That's So Weird Monkey Writer's Blogs

Turtles

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Turtles are weird. No matter where they go, they are always at home. Think about it. You could NEVER go on vacation. What kind of life is that? I think if I was a turtle, I could never truly be happy. I think that is why they move so slowly. They are never in a hurry to get anywhere, because wherever they go, there they are. I guess there are some perks. You never have to get caught in rush hour because if there is a traffic jam, you can just stop walking and you’re technically at home. You never have to worry about missing curfew because technically you are always at home. Imagine living your life on a technicality. What kind of existence is that? Seriously, I think the turtle is nature’s cruelest joke.

Sketch Idea 3 - bus

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0400

I ride the bus. I don’t own a car. Never have, never will. My feet don’t touch the pedals. ANYWAY…I ride the bus. It’s my “me time.” It is the time when I can just sit back and work on a Sudoku. I often think about writing on the bus. Like today…I thought of this idea for a sketch. It’s about a guy. He rides the bus. He doesn’t own a car. He never has, never will. ANYWAY…he sees the bus as his “me time.” A time when he can just sit back and work on a Sudoku. He often thinks about writing on the bus. That day, he thinks of an idea for a NOVEL. It’s about a guy. He rides the bus…That’s all I have so far.

Smells

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0400

There was a weird smell in my office today. Mocking me. Haunting me. It was like wet raincoats and cucumbers. I looked everywhere and there was not a wet raincoat or cucumber anywhere. It was driving me crazy! So I took all the furniture out of my office, all the pictures off the wall, I even took the carpet out. Like, I tore that place UP! Needless to say I did not get one stitch of work done that morning. So I snuck out of the office and went to see a movie. When I was at the movies I realized that yesterday, I had plugged in an air freshener that my wife got me. And the flavor of the air freshener was wet raincoat and cucumber. The morning took so much out of me I had to take two weeks vacation.

Perfect Pet

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Know what would be great? If they perfected gene splicing and you could make an elephant the size of a pot-bellied piglet. Think how cute that would be…an elephant, but small. You wouldn’t even need a backyard, but could just let him out on to your balcony if you lived in an apartment. And his poop would be tiny and adorable. Not like regular elephant poop. And he could probably live on one peanut a day. I do not think, however that the reverse would stand to reason. Like if you made a kitten the size of an elephant, I think the kitten would just go berserk and get drunk on her own power. Note to self: Never perfect the science for gene splicing. The dangers far outweigh the benefits.

UnBEElievable

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Apparently, bees are in danger of becoming endangered. I say good. Bee stings are no fun for anybody. Not even the bees, because after they get you, their stinger falls out and they die! So why would they bother to sting, you might ask. Why wouldn’t they just leave you alone and go home to their bee wives and bee kids and watch Bee TV? Because they are vindictive. Sometimes a bee will not stop bothering you, even if you “make statues” and go perfectly still, they are still buzz-buzz-buzzing around your plate, trying to get at your potato salad. But here’s the thing. I don’t kill bees. Even if a bee has been following me all day, I will never kill one. Because there is only one thing worse than a regular bee and that’s a ghost bee.

Future Talk

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Note to self…write more sketches that take place in the future. The Props department has found a good deal on bulk aluminum foil and everyone loves the future, so…. That’s why it hasn’t happened yet, so everyone has something to look forward to. Also, in the future, everyone will get to wear matching clothes…which will take a lot of the guesswork out of deciding what to wear to a party. No one will ever again have to ask if they look too dressed up or too casual. Also, ladies will not have to worry if someone will be wearing the same dress as they are at fancy events, because everyone will be wearing lycra-spandex jumpsuits. Not to mention the fact that everyone will stop getting on my case about not wearing pants. Think of the time we will save.

Words I Know

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Pants, Meat, Musical Theatre, Viral, Monster, Robot, Rabbit Ears, Tee Shirt, Assassin, Underpants, Barf, Hermit Crab, Kumquat, Quagmire, Rainbow, Billboard, Wheelie Shoes, Juice box, Garbage Can, Interweb, Spider, Ted Danson, Lap, Tulip, Gringo, Neck Beard, Cookie, Desk, Ikea, Cucumber, Bucket, Knuckle, Millionaire, Flag Day, Don Cheadle, Clock Face, Coffee Tray, Hamper, Underpants, Pit, Bath, Yellow, Flange, Vocal Warm Up, Ice Rink, Cream of Wheat, Train, Barnacle, Leg Bone, Doctor, Dance Captain, Sully, Intern, Sweater, Question Mark, Terminate, Ping Pong, Wille Nelson’s Ponytail, Armadillo, Wasabi, Comb your hair, Settle down, Underpants, Panda Bear, Text Message, Old Timey, Portrait, Noodle, Canoodle, Terrify, Ballroom, Buffet, Chandelier, Helpful, Ham, Constable, Live Bait, Liquid, Bran Muffin, Dreamboat, Dreamcoat, Fishing Rod, Las Vegas, Yogurt, I Drank Your Milkshake, Crackers, Curly Fries, Crazy Straw, Prank, Lunch Truck, Elevator, Speed Walking, Hammock, Piglet, Spigot, Short Stack, Bow Tie, Bowling Ball, Hair Cut.

Tromboner

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:00:00 -0400

I am learning to play the trombone. I picked the trombone because I like the name of it. Trombone. Other instruments do not resonate with me. Saxophone sounds shady. The trumpet is too proud of itself. The recorder…too wimpy. But the trombone…the trombone is like an old friend that will lend you three dollars to buy some French Fries and never expect to get it back. If a trombone were walking behind you on the street, it wouldn’t make a big deal of calling out to you. It would just sidle up to you and would have some great joke ready. A trombone would never say “How about this weather?” It is far too sophisticated for such idle chitchat. I have my first lesson tomorrow and if all goes well, I’ll be the world’s first ever trombone superstar. I figure it will take about four lessons. I mean, really, how hard could it be?

A Bit About Me

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:00:00 -0400

A little bit about me…In 1976, I had a dream that I could speak Spanish and I’ve been fluent ever since. I’ve read every book ever written and enjoyed almost 11 of them. I have never eaten a banana and don’t think I ever will. There is something about them I find off-putting. I find pants cumbersome. I once went a whole year without using the letter “A” in writing or speech. I am an accomplished violinist and know all the words to every Justin Timberlake song. I have never given a high five, but look forward to doing so one day. That is one of my top five life goals. The other four are: Win the world hot dog eating championship, never visit France, start a revival for white bread, and learn to skate.

Sketch Idea 2 - Lobsters

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Sketch Idea: Six Lobsters on vacation, except one of them forgets to put on sunscreen and gets a horrible burn. But now all the lobsters are in a dilemma because what do you say to a lobster that has sunburn? You can’t say, “You’re red like a lobster” because he’s already a lobster, right? So the whole vacation they never talk to each other, they just order little drinks with umbrellas in them and stare at each other awkwardly until one just goes nuts and says “I CAN’T STAND IT! YOU ARE A LOBSTER AND YOU HAVE A SUNBURN! THIS IS A POSTMODERNIST NIGHTMARE!” Then the other lobsters look at him and one asks, “What does Postmodernist mean?” So the first lobster says, “It is an artistic movement that forsakes traditional materials and forms.” But by then everyone has lost interest and just wants to ride the waterslide.